This self portrait was taken a little over two years ago. August 21, 2008 to be exact. Wow. To think how much has changed in my life since then. Or has it? Seems to me I'm more and more tired every day. My energy feels completely zapped as compared to the moment above, I remember it well. My parents tell me "so is life and that's the way it goes" but somehow I feel there's so much more to it than that. Someone has to be waiting on the other end for me to share it with (my true love... my soul mate). There just has to be. Maybe I'm kidding myself?

I have such a beautiful son, whom I place most of my time and energy into. What a sweet kid, he is my world and I love him so very much. But for me personally, I just don't know. It's been really hard finding me. That and I've never really felt I've had a true love connection (yet) with that special someone. Ever. Not even when I was married. That is very sad to me! There were moments, obviously, we have a wonderful child together. But as a whole, no.

Please tell me this isn't how it goes!

So Sandy, you're telling us you don't know what true love is really like?

Yes.

I can tell you that life is nothing as I dreamed it would be. It's nothing compared to my thoughts as a little girl of what happiness was suppose to be like when I got older. I dreamed of Cinderella, finding her handsome prince, having babies & babies and living happily ever after. Those were my dreams. Not so, and I am dealing with the reality of that.

The Dukes of Hazzard use to be one of my favorite shows as a child. I remember countless times writing Bo Duke love letters and putting them in the mail. I can't tell you if I even addressed them or placed postage stamps on them but they weren't there the next day so I recall feeling very confident in knowing they were getting to where they needed to be. Hahaha, I guess the mail man didn't have it in his heart to send them back to me, that or my parents got rid of them. My mom has never shown me any she'd saved though, so I guess it was the mail man. Oh boy...

My first crush, his name was Austin Clark, was in the 2nd or 3rd grade I think. He used to push me in the swing on the playground and hold my hand. He was just nice to me and that was it. Nothing expected in return. So innocent. He moved away though at the end of 3rd grade, maybe beginning of the 4th (for all my facebook friends from way back then who are reading this... don't be laughing now, I remember a lot about you guys too!). But Austin is the first boy I remember liking that much. Brown hair, brown eyes.

Thinking back my first kiss didn't happen until I was 15. I didn't date a whole lot in grade school, I was too shy. I suppose I'm thankful for that, in a way. I did make some awesome guys friends though, who are still my friends today. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Nada.

So only one true companionship and connection with someone, ONE, not many, just one, is what I long for in this life. Who doesn't? It's like this blog entry. I honestly would much rather share my thoughts with the one person who genuinely wants to hear them... and not the world. But as it appears, I keep on writing.

And here we are, 10 days into the new year...

For the record, I'm not a huge new year resolution maker, never have been. Seems I obviously cannot predict the future so why go there. Each day is a new and different (to me) and should be handled as such, I think at least. Now goals, goals are a different story. I have those. But they can be made at any time a person chooses, so I'm good with that. No new years resolutions here.

All in all, happy with myself is who I want to be, who I'm trying to be...

Ugh, who talks about this stuff? Am I making any sense?